Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
an airline just for babies.
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides