Effort made
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*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.