Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
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2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
i hate you platonically
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.