I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
hmm conte-me mais
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.