“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Perfect
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.