“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
You Might Also Like
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
eggs benadryl
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.