While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
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I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
How do you milk an almond?