Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
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If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
you stereotypes are all alike
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
🤭😂
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.