To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
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Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
My spirit animal is fried chicken
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.