No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
You Might Also Like
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plotSon: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!
Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol
Son: So is it this switch here or
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Satan: I’m gonna torture you for eternity
Me: I’m gonna call your dad and tell him how high you have the heat turned up in here
Satan: wait no
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.