Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
You Might Also Like
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
Me sliding into hell like
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.