My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
RT if you know someone like this!!!
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”