I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
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I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.