I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
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Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
God: you have eight legs.
Spider: do I-do I need eight legs?
God: tbh no one really needs eight of anything.
Spider:
God:
Spider:
God: also you have eight eyes.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.