[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
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I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
FRED: right
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…