oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
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good for her
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.