i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
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“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
can I use a minion as a tampon
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.