That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
this is the greatest thing ever
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”