bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
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if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick