Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
One of the best
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.