“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
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Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
a public service announcement
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.