God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
*puts my mental health in rice
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.