Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Danger is very dangerous
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Print is alive and well!!!
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.