“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
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Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”