Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
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me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”