My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
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ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O