best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
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ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Happy Thanksgiving
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
describing stardew valley
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…