Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!