*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
You Might Also Like
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.