The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
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I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.