[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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*orders delivery*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Great acting.. 😂
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER