Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
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Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous