Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
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Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
The future is now.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
A Short Story.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.