ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
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Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
i want the dreams to chase me for once
“TGIM!” – My liver
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
There are really only two seasons:
soup
salad
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!