I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
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Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
My circle of trust is a meatball
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
mood
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*