Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
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[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year