My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
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doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I like to find exercise equipment on the street to lug home, and then I decide I won’t use it so I lug it to the thrift store. It’s a pretty good workout
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.