Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
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Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will