I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
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Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend