WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
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The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.