Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
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Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u