I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.