I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
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I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
This has made my week.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.