You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
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My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers