My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
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Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
This took me a second..
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth