I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
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Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
so, is there a mister shapen head
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep