A leaf blower, but for people.
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Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.