Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
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Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!