Worst Native American name ever.
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
me hitting on a model
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.