I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
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Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there